Why I prefer being in my mind to reality

It’s so difficult to find joy in the world today, when you have people in positions of power not giving a damn what they say.

The world is becoming way too divided, people not able to verbalize a difference of opinion, way too one sided

You have to be politically correct right?

Every other day something new is being said, filling the hearts and minds of people now consumed with worry and dread 

Whenever I turn on the news, there is something new and crazy I hear, I just hope we don’t find ourselves in a war by the end of the year

Who needs this?

People are dying every single day; from cancer, homicide, being a person of color or for just being gay. You shouldn’t be judged by the color of your skin, not because of who you love, nor because you were born a her, but feel more like a him.

Mind ya business!

People are dying, politicians lying, people can barely afford to pay for food. Leaving the future of our education system in the hands of incompetent people eliminating funding for schools.

These fools!

How can you not understand the relationship between poverty and crime, people barely getting by trying their best to stretch a dime.

But what about the kids?

I believe the children are our future but how can this be, when so many are barely making it to the age of 12 much less making it to 16. Cutting services for diverse learners what the hell do you mean?

Wow!

Jobs with livable wages are becoming difficult to come by. People more anxious and depressed about their future, reaching for alcohol or drugs preferring to stay high.

Tragedy

In the corners of my mind for a short while I hide and disconnect, for once I’m back to reality, I have to deal with the shit that comes next.

Therapy for Me

Ther.a.py

There is a place where I can go 

Where I actually can let my hair down and let my troubles flow

where I know my secrets won't be told 

where I can be myself; big bad and bratty or vulnerable or bold 

but maybe that's just me 

a person who I can talk to who doesn't know me 

who won't try and say what they feel is best for me 

for sometimes if you know me, you feel you can judge me

 but their job isn't to judge me 

Their job is to help me, provide guidance and assistance to me

As I try to figure this thing call life out, they provide a brief escape from my reality

Cause what I can’t do, is continue to allow troubles on the inside to fester and grow 

So I found myself therapist and learned to let that shit go

A Son

 A son

It is no coincidence that your title is synonymous with the word that represents the brightest star of all stars.

One that gives light by day yields to the moon to provide rest by night,

For you are a bright light in my life! I awaken to the knowledge that I have you in my life and I am grateful.

You are the calm that keeps me settled, when I want to be emotionally in the stratosphere, it is you my bright light that brings me back down to land, for you always keep me grounded.

The love between a mother and child is unique, unconditional and abundant by itself. Not to minimize a father's love; but, there's something about carrying something so tiny, seeing the heartbeat, feeling it move.

To have it eventually pass through your body from a bean, to a being.

My heart, my lungs, as much a part of me as any organ, for you keep me alive.

For you I am grateful!

You bring balance when I am irrational, you bring me back to center.

 Seeing you grow into God's man feels good to me as the vessel through which you were sent.

 I am grateful for you

 my love

 my son

A Daughter

A daughter

my twin

my love

 my anger

my stress

 my heart

my support

my backbone

my friend

my bestie

 my strength

my power

my manifestation of God's grace

 I would never have evolved into who I am without being your mother.

 I am grateful to have been the vessel through which God used to bless the world with you

From walking with me when I felt I couldn't take a step

For being my air when I could not breathe

This is my way of saying thank you for always being the greatest gift to me that from God and my greatest gift to the world for simply being you

Found this amongst some things in my children's keepsake box “Watch Me Walk”

 

I watched myself walking past a piece of glass. This is what came of it

Watch out Cuz! Yo girl is bad

Walk walk look at my walk

The sway of my hips, my heel to toe. Oh my goodness, look at me go! 

My thighs, my legs, the curve of my legs

Chicks turn up their nose, me showing up, they dread 

To look the brothers, breaking their necks

Watch ya self don't run into to nothin, no cat calls show some respect!

The bounce of my boobs twisting my waist.

The look they wonder

They want to feel to touch, a taste

Look at me flow, watch me go

Look at my arms, doing their job, hanging on my side swaying to and fro

Watch this girl work, I see you lookin at me. 

Oh no don’t do that! 

Who stopped her? 

Oh look, she’s arrived too bad her journeys complete

I need a break from needy people

Why must I always answer my phone?

Maybe sometimes I just want to be left alone?

Maybe there are times I may not have the answers or maybe I’m just feeling moody, hey don’t forget, I am a Cancer.

Maybe I just do not want today to be your help. Do me a favor, look at your call list and call someone else

Do you ever just stop and think about me and how the hell I feel?

Like maybe today I just don’t want to feel or with yo shit today deal

Sometimes I feel like moving out of my head.

Laying down my burdens and at least pretend like I’m dead.

I don’t want to die, I don’t want life to end, I want you to pick up your phone and call another friend.

It’s not that I don’t care or that you are not important to me, but some days I want to chill watch TV, drink tea

Or go for a drive, with the wind in my hair, sit on my porch and smoke cigars without responsibilities or cares.

It’s not that I can’t handle it or you are too much for me

It’s just sometimes I need to chill out and recharge the energy you‘ve drained from me

but until then I will answer, and do my best to help

But just know for now it won’t be at the risk of my own mental health. 

I choose you and everyone else second, today first is myself

My Morning Meditation

 

Good morning or grand rising,

(whichever speaks to your soul)😊 this morning I woke up not wanting to return to my bed. Instead, I prepared myself for the day and instead of doing my morning prayers and thanking God for a new day, I decided to go back to a practice that has given me balance.

First, I lay on my back after lighting the incense of my choice, I think it is citrus and myrrh. I place on my crown Chakra 2 crystals one is in amethyst, the other a baby blue Celestine cluster. I asked Alexa to play ocean sounds and began to inhale slowly, hold it and then slowly exhale. I did this as I picture the ocean in my mind or my imagination.

I first give thanks to God for another day, I pray for my family by blood and by love. Those who I know are hurting physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically or financially struggling.  I call a few by name, the other prayers are for those unknown. I pray for what I know I need and for what I need but do not know that I need. I then thank God for my blessings and the blessings I see being gifted to my loved ones (seeing others blessed gives me hope and reminds me God is still God).

 As I come out of my prayer, I am seamlessly shifted into a place of void. I shift my head slightly and my baby blue crystal falls between my eyebrows.  I don't reposition it because this is my third eye Chakra (things happen for a reason).  As my alarm goes off for the second time, I have been at this since 7:35 it is now almost 8:00 o'clock in what was to be a 5-minute meditation, I see nor hear anything.  After a while the smell of my incent is very faint although I know it has not out yet.  I see nothing yet something, abstract figures, colors connecting yet not.  I am truly in a meditative state.  I feel vibrations throughout my body it is a very comforting feeling like low shockwaves, yet the vibrations keep me from falling into a state of sleep.  As I inhale and exhale, feeling the random vibrations, looking into nothingness.. These words come to me.

 Oh God of all, bless me in a way I can't call because I don't know nor understand my current needs. Great spirit guides help me to be a light into someone else’s darkness today.  Help me to walk in light and positively.  Wise ancestors, known and unknown protect me! protect my children! (at this point I specifically speak the name of each of my children and the protections that I think they need).  I place my hands on my head, I asked today to be GUIDED into today's purpose, that I make great decisions and demonstrate leadership qualities. I touched my heart, I asked that it works in combination with my head and with one hand being placed between my eyebrows I awaken my intuition.  I ask that it continue to speak me, translating the headings/messages from the Holy Spirit.

Now let's be clear I pray to God, I discuss the day with my spirit guides and I talk to my ancestors as counsel for they know me, I came from them. 

As I return to my space, my hands rise up taking in all blessings, I push my hands down rejecting all negativity and I raised my hands up, receiving all I need for the day, pushing down all that distracts and blocks me. I rise ready for the day

Amen….So be it or so may it be

or

Ase' (A West African concept through which the Yoruba conceive the power to make things happen or produce change

Again whichever speaks to your soul 😊

My Monday

I woke up this morning with a plan. I'm feelin focused

Got me a hot shower water feeling grand 

I'm refreshed

Got dressed, fixed my coffee, grabbed my bag

I'm on task

Walk out speak to the sun

yep ready, no need to ask

Get to the job start seeing clients

I'm inspired

Finally getting closer to 5 

A little tired

Driving home look at my surroundings

It's so beautiful

Light my cigar windows down

Singing loud, feelin musical

I'm loving my life enjoying the end of my day

I'm feeling jovial 

Get home barefoot walk in the grass

connecting to the earth, feelin playful

The wind blowing through my Locs

The feeling is good, no regrets

Change out my clothes into something more comfortable 

Time to de-stress

Reflect on my day, I speak to God

Thank you Lord my day was awesome!

Decided to share it with you all 

Got me grateful for all of them

Sit on my porch waiting for the moon, it makes me hopeful

I can’t go straight to bed it’s too soon, I’m feelin social

Dinner, Incense, music and wine, a great combo

one of my favorite ways to unwind, it has a nice flo

Time for rest reboot my machine, that is my mind

No time to sit and complain, a waste of time

Bring on my Tuesday!

Just me being me

The little voice I hear inside me, the bright light inside that guides me, the people who walk beside me in flesh and spiritual form. 

I thank you for your lessons and I thank God for my blessings, in life I’m always being tested but still I survive

Giving up is not an option, my goals I stay on top of them, my blessings people try to block them with their words.

But me I keep on pressing, in life no time for stressing no failures only lessons and hey I’m ok

In life there will always be hurdles touchin a hot stove let’s you learn it burns you, don’t expect to get outta life what you haven’t earned, please press on.

People in life will come and go but understand some are not meant to go where you go and it’s ok for you to let them go, we can still be cool.

I won’t continue to give my very best when in return what I get is so much less, trying to figure people out just gives me so much stress I’d rather be alone.

I would rather protect my energy then try to figure if you’re a friend or foe to me , I let you live so why not let me be and we will both be fine.

Don’t make me start working with my wax and herbs, manifesting what I want in written word, having you screaming out for help and not be heard with people all around.

Stop trippin on others and the things they do because it not the way that you would do it what speaks to me my not speak to you, I still get the desired affect.

You read a book for your good and use some water and oil, I flip cards, burn incense and use water from roses I boiled,  it doesn’t make me a pauper nor more than it’s making you royal, it doesn’t make mines incorrect

Because I haven’t tapped in to all I can do, do let my ancestors start to get made at you and whispering in my ear just what to do, because then it’s just too late.

You go your way and I’ll go mine, life is way too short to be wasting time I won’t worry about yours, don’t worry bout mine  and we can both still be great.

 

All about families

Who will carry the torch? the legacy? do people still care about such things?

I remember a time when we as family would gather, gather at someones home. The grown folks would gather upstairs in the dining room or living room where from every room in the house you could hear the sound of over the top laughter at jokes only grown folk found funny. The sound of clinking glasses, the combined smells of cheap perfume, expensive perfume, after shave, hairspray (Afro sheen to be exact).  Cigarettes in combination with the smells from the mixed dishes of food which were now empty or damn near. The stacks of paper plates covered in foil, stacked high, for people wrapped up "a lil somthin” for lunch next day.

but who will carry the torch?

As the grown folks yell at each other, "you know you lying!" slapping bones on the table hard enough for someone to respond, “dude you better not break my shit with yo cheating ass”.

But again who is going to carry the torch?

The laughter and accusatory tones of "nall y'all reneged show me that book where you threw off on diamonds”, "y'all some cheatin MF’s, oops I’m sorry baby whose child is this!". “Go play with the rest of the kids and stay from under grown folks”.

but who will carry the torch?

The sound of the music getting louder and louder, as parents yelled to their children, who were not as far away as they thought, for they were ear hustling the family gossip, "come here we about to have a dance contest, do that dance you were doing the other day”.

who?

All of a sudden people grew up, marriages ended. People went off to college only to return for vacations and the every now and then family gatherings. Maybe for only family reunions, weddings and funerals. This one got engaged, that one on her third child, that boy in jail again?

But who will carry the torch

"y'all kids come in here and throw away these plates and get these dishes"! Walking in carefully getting the dishes, napkins.. plates, silverware, the last thing… are the glasses. Oh the sweet glasses with the corners of alcohol in them as we pretend we are toasting in the other room. Your favorite adult coming in to give you the last one and instead of taking that last gulp to the head, turns make sure no one is looking and passes it to you, “pour this out for me” with a wink and a smile, all the time knowing, how it was would be “poured out”. Chasing it with soda or a piece of cake.

But who will carry the torch, the legacy

The legacy of family gatherings, togetherness. The rite of passage of sharing laughs; playing cards and playing music, dancing having a good time with family, friends, food and drinks. Love and laughs. Why are some able to carry on well into adulthood, but for others, the path is demolished.  Replaced by new friendships, relationships, work friends, school friends, life, boyfriends/girlfriends/Bestfriend’s.  People going away to school, moving out of the state, marrying into new families… people dying. Links broken, matriarchs passing on, patriarchs not sharing family history out of fear of appearing weak or just not wanting to get in touch with old feelings. Not wanting to awaken sleeping ghosts.

But who?

Bad acts, trauma, unwanted sexual acts, running away from bad situations. Can’t wait to get grown so I can do what I want. Once you get grown you can get gone. Feelings not addressed, what would now be seen as childhood abuse, was then seen as discipline. Children are to be seen and not heard, boys don’t cry, act like a man (but damn he’s 7 yrs old). Girls are to be submissive, learn to obey, the man is the head of the household. Women are to learn to keep house (also known as being smart) and learn to let a man lead, to be his dream, his joy……his peace. Girls do inside work boys are to be bread winners. Boys will be boys, he will grow out of it.  Stand by your man, he’s just being a man, don’t allow someone else to destroy what you’ve built.

But who?

Girl I love you. My baby…. But what’s my last name, my favorite color? Why haven’t you returned my text? Why does your phone only seem to die when you are not with me?  

I’m pregnant…..

I’ll stand beside you, what ever you decide I’m with you….

Alone

What do you mean how do you know it’s yours!  What do you mean this is your 4th child! You slept with who?  that is my Bestfriend! What do you mean you love a man!

I am going to take care of my man. Yes, you can borrow the money I was saving for a new car, my kids school clothes….borrow my tax refund. You promise to give it back? Yes I trust you…bae. Yes I will invest in us, yes I believe in you..my name is Sharon not Sharice, oh I look like this girl you new with that name from a long time ago….whole time he was with her 3 days ago

Mom who is my dad? Why doesn’t he love me? How can he take care of someone else’s kids and not his own? Why does he keep making promises he never keeps? Why doesn’t he want to be my father?

Dad I want to come live with you, moms boyfriend has been hurting me. Daddy please, don’t make me go back to moms? Dad moms new boyfriend hits her, dad moms new boyfriend beats us, takes her money, we 

have no food…

Suck it up! Stop being so sensitive! You’ll be ok. You do that, you will go to hell? God sees you even if you think I don’t. You need to beg God for forgiveness.  God loves you, God provides. Honor thy mother and father…..even tho mom cares more about her man and going out, looking good and her weed habit, than she does about signing my permission slip and paying for my class trip..it’s $5.00?  Even though dad cares more about his other family than he does us, my football team played one he is coaching with his girlfriends kid, even though I haven’t heard from him in 7 months. When I call him he’s always at work and will call me back, but there is no child support? I continue to pray but there is still no food in the house. I pray but dad still comes home mad because he is working a job that barely pays the rent. I pray but mom still treats me different because she hates my dad and I look like him, I pray but my younger siblings dad blames me for everything. I pray but I love who I love, but God loves me so why does his church have an issue with me?

Who will carry the torch to brighten the path to bring families back to their greatness. Who will remind the family of their legacies and traditions. Who will fix what was broken centuries ago but over the decades has become worse.

Who will fix what is broken? Heal those who are broken?

Who?