Hello there I know it has been a minute since I have been on here expressing the thoughts that can only come from the mind of a single parent of three, therapist with ADHD and a strong spiritual connection to something greater then myself. I have been having a writers block. I have been working on a personal project for about a year. I start get busy, stop and go back. It's mentally exhausting but my process is weird like that. I have also taken some time to work on me, through reading, some journaling, changing my eating habits and trying to figure out God's plans for me.
I have been finding myself angrier more then ever and sometimes on the verge of Depression but something on the inside brings me back from the edge. I recently found myself digressing to my old self or more commonly known as my alter ego Evonne. This part of myself is angry, oppositional and does not care WHAT flies out of her mouth. I have had her on standby kinda like in case of emergency break the glass. I have been breaking the glass a lot lately. By God's grace my personal family in fine, but my Chicago family is not. There is a spiritual war going on in the city of Chicago and right now the bad side or the evil side is winning. I have been personally impacted by the violence so much that it has drained me. I was already sheading tears for the students that loss family, witnessed shootings and or just dealing with the normal (not really but has become their new normal). My prayers for them has been ongoing and nonstop. But now I have to pray a different prayer, one of protection over them because now they have found themselves directly the victims of the violence they've witnessed. It saddens me, overwhelms me and breaks my heart. I have asked God for direction on how I can be of service. Every school year I have a new game plan, this year it has been to participate in more trauma prevention and attention related activities. I am also being drawn to more marches, protests and "see something say something" forms of activism. I have to find my voice. I have to not only speak loudly but speak boldly and be heard by those that have the power, plan or resources to make an impact.
Recently it has called me to respectfully fall into Evonne mode. Case and point. I recently went to a young mans funeral. His death is being investigated. Myself like others have already formed an opinion about what has happened, the police killed him. Some things have been revealed to me that have caused me to pump my breaks, on this and wait for all the information so I can speak on it intelligently, backed up by facts and so I wait. As I go to his funeral a group of older people with revolution shirts come in and with one opportunity to have at the mic tried to turn this moment celebration of his short life, of family/friends supporting one another, of sadness and mourning into something other than that. Outside the church, they are still pushing their agenda. At this point I had to say something. I try this new me God has been working on fixing, gutting and cleaning from the inside out for the past 8 years. But then she got loud and before I could not react, I reacted slightly louder way more ignorant then my first approach. God pulled me back and another sister tagged in. As the youth began to pour out of the church, something on the inside said, "you began this, made a point now shut it down for you are a mentor and young eyes are watching you". I spoke to the sista that tagged in and backed me up and we shut it down.
My point in all of this is there is a change going on within me, not sure if it's good, bad or great. Not sure if its Chevonne (true self a thinker, intelligent and level headed), Sheewan (creative sensitive self thoughts are like light through a prism) or Evonne (everything opposite of the other two). But there comes a time in your life where you have to stand for something. Right now, that stand is for youth. You may witness a few posts different from what you are use to from me; but know, it's all me and I am alright. My universe is just shifting.
#pray4mycity
#pray4ouryouth
#pray4me
No comments:
Post a Comment